Dead Love: My Girlfriend is a Zombie!

In keeping with this week’s theme of undying love, I have a little “Ms. Dead Hearts” advice for the lovesick male who is watching the woman of his dreams turn into the woman of his nightmares … which, by the way, isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

So for all you creepy guys (also not necessarily a bad thing) I have come up with my …

Ten Best Ways to Know Your Girlfriend is a Zombie

  1. Your girlfriend shows up in a haircut that looks like it was done with a machete.
  2. Your girlfriend only wears red lipstick and it seems to be applied to the inside of her mouth.
  3. Your girlfriend drools when she sees you.
  4. Your girlfriend is moody and incommunicative … more moody and incommunicative … all month long.
  5. Your girlfriend is suddenly only interested in oral sex.
  6. Your girlfriend bites.
  7. Your girlfriend loves to eat brains and sweetbreads … and she is not French.
  8. Your girlfriend stumbles and falls a lot before the fourth cosmo, martini, beer … whatever.
  9. It doesn’t matter what you do; your girlfriend won’t leave.
  10. Your girlfriend’s girlfriends are all suddenly very interested in you.

—Erin Orison, DEAD LOVE/the Daily Slice

zombie photo courtesy of Linda Watanabe McFerrin